Monday, May 16, 2005

This post is awesome*

Don't you hate those! I despise asterisks, crosses and every other little mark they add to denote some part of the message their leaving out. Why do they have to fool us into thinking something other than the truth? What are they hiding? Why does it have to be $3.99 plus tax? Why can't it be $4.31? I don't think my mind is so feeble that it needs to be fooled into thinking I'm paying less than I really am. I think if that tax is going to be added on then make the price $3.69, that way when you add the tax, tada it $3.99!

Who is still getting fooled by this anyway. Who the heck is walking into a fast food place and putting 99 cents on the table and demanding food? We all know what the price really is, why must they prey on our minds and get us depressed when we get there.

I know why actually. I just hate it. The thought of 3 is less than 4. The need for urgency. "While supplies last." "For a limited time only." "Limited edition." Limited edition? Does that mean that the thing is so crappy that you are only making a few of them and not making these nice features standard, and thereby making my trip to the store that much more annoying. If I would have gone with the regular edition I wouldn't have to search every place in town to find the limited edition parts.

* in participating browsers only, some results may vary. In case of accidental readage, induce vomiting.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

#$%^&...¡!¡!¡...T®@₣₣|©...¡!¡!¡...*&^%$

I, like many, despise traffic. I am what you probably would call an aggressive driver, but not crazy. At least I use my blinker! I'm a big stickler for blinkers. I can't stand anyone that can't muster enough energy to put down the cell phone, makeup brush (why is it that women use this little brush about an inch long with three hairs in it to paint their face on? I always volunteer to grab an air sprayer and finish them up, but still no takers.), or little debbie to move half of their hand to move a small rod up or down. Ok, here are the rules for blinkers. First, if you are changing lanes, use a blinker. If you are turning from a turn only lane, don't worry, we pretty much know where you are going, don't need a blinker there. Finally, if you are turning onto the access road from a side street or walmart or something and it is a T intersection and there is only one way to turn, don't turn on your blinker, it's so redundant. I like turning my left blinker on in that situation, just to imagine what the old couple behind me is saying. "Oh no, that boy is going to turn left, he's going to get hurt. Earl, he's going to get in a wreck right in front of our eyes. Where's that camera? Good thing I took that CPR class. etc." I wish I was a cop sometimes. Just on the weekend or something. I wish they had a police reserves or something of that sort that I can just roam the highways giving out tickets for just blinkers. No one does that anymore! I don't think they actually exist. I don't think anyone has actually gotten a ticket for not using a blinker.

What I really hate is construction traffic. Oh, it's the worse! Like when there is a lane ending up ahead and we all know it's ending, especially the guys that go as far as they possibly can in the lane that is ending and when the barricades are rubbing against their car, they turn on their blinker and say "oh, uh, I didn't know the signs meant my lane. Could you find it in your heart to let me in to your lane since I seem to have lost mine?" You knew it was your lane you piece of dog vomit! There was fifty signs, mostly in your lane, saying it was your lane! It's funny how they expect you to be nice to them after they have just been a major jerk the last quarter mile. Or these guys that go as far as they can along the side of a caravan of cars trying to get off at a busy exit, and then stop quick and stop all the cars behind them until some guy in front sees him and thinks that he is just a guy who is new to the city and didn't know where the exit was and let's him in. Truthfully I do this to a degree sometimes, but I never stop everyone behind me. If I can't find a gap to jump in real quick that was left by a car exiting the line of cars and hasn't been filled yet then I give up and go to the next exit.

Next on my nuclear target list are these "noids" as I call them. You've seen them. They're the people too paranoid of hitting the car in front of them that they leave a gap the size of a big rig caravan in between them and the car in front of them. I can stand them sometimes cause I can get around them, but those times that we are in the fastest lane in stop and go traffic and every fifth car in the next lane over is using this gap as an escape in to the better lane and it makes the car in front of me slow down even more, but I can't pass them in the next lane because they're still going fast enough to pass all of the other lanes and I just have to sit there and stew and yell with my hand in front of my mouth loud enough for me to feel better but not loud enough to make it look like I'm talking so I don't look like a freak to the guy in front of me.

Next, a little lower on the hate list are the people that reverse yield. Gah, I hate them so.... Anyways, you might have seen these people that when they get off the highway they slow down to almost a stop because the traffic on the access road is slowed down to yield to them. "Go! They yield to you!" is what is commonly heard as a muffled sound from my car that sounds like the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon. Now, I need to help define yield for the other people. You know, the people that stop completely for a guy that turned on his blinker on the highway a half mile back to get off. Yield means, not hindering the driver with the right of way. Sometimes that means stopping, sometimes. Most of the time a small depress of the decelerator or a slam of the accelerator will move your car in front of or in back of the trajectory of the incoming car.

Finally, the last bit of people. Which is really a different kind of driver that is similar to the construction lane drop-off dude. There is an intersection near my Aunt & Uncle's house where they have converted a three way stop sign to a T intersection stop light. Consequently there is a bus stop not far from this intersection and once they converted to a stop light, the bus couldn't get back through the line of cars in the left lane to resume his route. So, they decided to make the left lane turn only, and the right lane both ways. Now, this would be fine if the road that both lanes turn onto is actually two lanes as well, oh but it's not. Instead they put an immediate "Lane ends merge left" sign and about twenty feet of dotted line that then turns into a single lane. Now, I lived in that house for over a year, and everyone that turns left at that intersection knows that the lanes merge abruptly, so most of the time all of the cars stack up in the left lane to be courteous to everyone else. But, of course, every once in a while a tricked out honda (I say tricked out because they were obviously tricked into thinking that all that stuff on their car looks good), H2, or some jeep full of white frat guys blaring rap music jumps out of the left lane and goes to the front of the right lane and sits. This in turn stops all the other cars that truly want to turn right behind them and makes them wait just that much longer. Just so Trey and his buddies can get a better spot in line on the 35 mph road. Yes, it is 35 mph, and I enforce it. How? Well, every time I end up in the front of the left lane with some jerk beside me trying to get to his kegger faster, I gun it off the line and make sure he has to get behind me and then go exactly 35. Ah, I love it. As they ride my butt for the length of the quarter mile that I have until my turn, I watch as they swerve left and right trying to judge which way I am going to turn off of the road so they can speed up at the last second and race past me with their muffler reporting a loud "too many burritos at lunch" farting sound. Do I give them that satisfaction? Usually not. Usually I will make a big rig turn by swerving away from the corner and then turning back to get the maximum turning radius.

So, as you see, I am a cop in a sense. I use my car as a weapon, neigh, a tool to fight crime and preserve justice.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Copywrong

I am taking a Digital Video Production class at UTSA and in the two hours and forty five minutes we have every Friday, at least thirty get turned into some discussion about copyright. I was feeling quite happy about my self this last Friday so I decided to challenge her. I proceeded to tell her that I in fact am a victim of copyright infringement. While I was in high school, I went through (actually never got out of) a phase where I would buy funny shirts, signs, songs, etc. to quench my palette for comedy. I found a sign at a store and bought it to put on my door at home. Being ever so proud of my purchase I decided to take a picture of it and email it to all of my friends. Seeing as none really came over to see my door, I brought the door to them. We (meaning I) all had a good laugh and thought nothing of it.

A few years later, I was surfing the net on a site about funny road signs and such. All of a sudden, there it was in all its splendor. The exact picture that I took of my sign was posted on the internet for all to see. I was actually kind of proud that something that I had done was worthy of making it to this site on the internet.

I told this story to my teacher and needless to say did not get the same reaction. She asked if I had mixed emotions about it, to which I replied "no". She said I should have. I should have gotten the information and told the person to give me credit for my creation.

Now, I am not a mean person or a greedy person. I am not about to make waves by email this seemingly innocent person and demand that he put my name on my picture. To tell you the truth I really didn't care.

Obviously if he had charged a membership to see the picture it would be a different argument, and I would have been pressured even more to get what was coming to me. But, it is totally free to view the picture and I feel no need to make anyone know exactly where the picture originated from. Frankly I'm kind of ashamed of it. If you would like to see it go here. WARNING: CRUDE HUMOR!

So, what now. I have proof that the picture is indeed mine. In fact the sign is still on my door at my parents house, in the exact same spot as shown in the picture. Am I proud? In some aspects maybe. It was rated 4.43 out of 5, has almost 500 hits, and a couple comments. I am ashamed as well. It's not my best camera work, and the content is not necessarily rated G.

I have many things I want to say about copyright and how it has affected our nature in bad and good, but I would really like to hear from you guys. What do you think?

Saturday, February 12, 2005

(Insert funny title here)

Have you ever noticed that when someone has a hoarse throat you constantly clear your own throat while listening to them?

If math is the universal language, why do only 25% of the people know it?

Have you ever been in a dream and you feel really tired and you eventually fall asleep at the wheel of a car or running away or something and you are actually waking up? THAT'S MESSED UP!

Did you know on the little packet of salt that you get at restaurants, underneath the big words "SALT" it says "contains: salt".
And why do they come to you holding that big wooden wand and ask you if you want fresh ground pepper? Can anyone really tell the difference between fresh pepper and stale pepper?

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Do right handers lean right?

Ok, so I was searching the dials of my XM radio (not to brag), trying to justify spending the 10 dollars a month on more than comedy and Christian rock. I found two stations. One was called America Right, and being the smart person that I am I obviously looked for America Wrong right next to it, but instead they named it America Left. ZING! Ok, anyways, so I started listening to the Right channel and it had a man on there that was talking about the social security "problem" that we are going to be faced with.

He explained a lot of things that I didn't know, and if he is wrong and therefore I am wrong please tell me. He stated that social security was like a casino that the government started. If you live long enough, you win! The reason they started it was because the world was apparently filled with homemakers whose husbands would work too much and die resulting in the now widow to not have enough money to live because she had no profession of her own. Also, the average life span was 63 years, and two years after this average death you could retire and win the lottery so to speak. He went on to say, which I sort of agree with, that we should raise the retirement age. Right now the average life span is 77 years, he proposed that we raise the retirement age to 79. Again, two years after you are "predicted" to die. I agree because of the fact that we are living longer, no doubt. The medicine of today and the conditions of today allow people to live older and older. The argument of ableness to work was addressed too. People say that 77 year olds are too old to work. So, the 63 year olds of yesteryear weren't? People have changed. My grandfather is turning 70 this year. He still has not retired from owning and managing the family business and going home to his 150 acre ranch and working til dark. He is the hardest working 70 year old I know. I'm lazier than him and I'm only 21!

Well, while I was sitting there thinking about how much of a genius this guy was and how I was smart for believing him, I realized that I was being very biased. So, I switched over to the Left channel.

If there ever was a better way to pound my beliefs home I probably wouldn't have found it that day. From the second I turned on the channel all I heard was anti-Bush remarks. Now I have, nay had, respect for Democrats until the last couple of years. It started when we went to war, then when we were at war, then the start of the election, then again at the end of the election. For the last couple of years the Left wing has beat the same message over and over and keeps coming back to it over and over. Anti-Bush! Anti-Bush!! Do they have nothing else to say. Is this the only words that help them feel some kind of assurance that they're right and everyone else is wrong. Do they have any other issues? I have heard slim to nil of any of them since the war started. I want to know what you stand for, not against.

Anyone can say they oppose something. In fact, that is what I normally do. I hardly ever stand up for something, as to not make someone mad at me and have them spread the word that I am against what they believe and make enemies. That is what they are doing. They are trying to be everyone's buddies at once. It's the same as telling two people that hate each other the same story. "I'm only on your side".

The Left wingers were going on about how Bush Jr. was trying to do exactly what Bush Sr. didn't do. Bush Sr. didn't go to war with Iraq, but Jr. did. Sr. didn't push hard enough for reelection and didn't have a second term, Jr. did. (OK, that statement was just dumb)

I went to class after listening to the Right channel again. After class I listened to the channel more and again later that day. I decided not to listen to the Left anymore. Later on in the day the Right was talking about tattoos. Tattoos! Now that's a topic. Maybe the "open-minded" liberals should take a page from the Right book and actually open their minds to other topics.

P.S. my favorite Family Guy quote:

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.

Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?

Monday, January 24, 2005

Has it really been that long...

I have been really slacking off on this whole blog thing. I was striving for new stuff to talk about constantly and I started to forget other responsibilities like eating, sleeping, breathing, you know the usual stuff. I have added a video to the bottom of the sidebar. For those of you who have no idea what a sidebar is, it is that BAR on the SIDE of the page that has links and stuff in it. It is a crude video, pretty bad editing I'm afraid, but it depicts a young Jason and Joe with too much time on their hands.

To understand the video you must understand that there is actually a story behind it. Watching the video without knowing the story will make the word "huh" a permanent fixture in your mind for the rest of the day.

It started out with my comedy routine. I told a few jokes at our youth group night (or Wednesday Night Live for those who know). The first time I told jokes I killed. They all laughed and the hook was set. Then Jason and I schemed to spin a tale so twisted, it could only come out of our minds. We started to play me as this "15 minutes of fame" guy that wouldn't give up. I told some really dumb jokes and was "thrown out" of WNL. The next week I came in disguise and Jason reveled me and yelled at me, then I ran outside, switched disguises and came back in. Then Jason let me try again to tell jokes. I proceeded to give a good performance and then tried my dumb joke again, in which I was promptly yelled at and I played it up so that everyone thought I loathed Jason.

For the finale, The next week it was to look as Jason had gone home sick at the last minute, but some people remembered the past few weeks and some had talked to him earlier that day so they were questioning me. I calmly denied their claims and went on as normal. Finally I started the night off with some jokes. Just then Jason, who was taped to a chair, starts banging against the door. The video was then shown and the saga complete.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Let it reign, let it poor

I was sitting in the office thinking about the rain outside today, and it occurred to me that rain is the most mesmerizing thing in the world. Although if it actually snowed in San Antonio, I can bet you that there will be a lot more people looking up at the sky. But, since it never snows here, I have to talk about the wet stuff. No matter how old you get, there is something about the rain that draws our attention from work, school and the occasional herd of ants crawling up our leg and causes us to lose our concentration.

It also makes many people mad. A lot of people hate the rain because it makes the road slick and harder to maneuver. The kids can't go outside and play in the sandbox (yea like that ever happens anymore. I could get into the whole argument how kids today have it better than I had it or my parents had it and so forth, but it would just be a bunch of rambling and rants about how great super nintendo was when it first came out. I'll save that for another post probably). Rain causes flooding and ruins the carpet of kid's homes, and makes skin cancer cells weep ever so softly. The weatherman hates the rain too. He warns us of it with percentages of rainfall. Like today, we had a 90% chance of rain. What is that anyway! Does that mean there is a ten percent chance that we won't get any rain at all. Or is it that ten percent of the city won't get rain. In fact, it was raining when he said it. If it's raining outside, I would think it be around the vicinity of 100%! And the weather man gets in trouble for the rain like it's his fault. If he predicts rain the news anchors always say something like "Thanks alot Alex!". Since when can the weather man even predict the weatcher correctly, let alone control it. And lastly, whenever it is raining it is said to be bad weather.

I have trouble understanding what is so bad about rain. I love the rain.

P.S. This video is hillarious, a must watch: Fun On Ice

Friday, November 12, 2004

Starting the day off right

For those of you that don't know, my family owns a corrugated box factory. I work there as the accountant. I was brought out of my warm office this morning to witness what one of our machines had produced. While trimming a few sheets of cardboard, two small strips landed in the most particular way. I really think that God is making his presence felt this morning.

We could run a million more sheets through that machine and never produce an image like this again!




Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Be the third caller...

It's been a week since I've posted anything. Not that I haven't tried, I just have very little relevant stuff to talk about. Even now I struggle with something to say that will sound somewhat competent and not just ramble on about how I think that the Settlers of Catan debacle was the worst upset in the history of the game. I need something to say, something to really get attention, something about Halo 2.

Halo 2 came out today. I played the first installment, and I have already paid for the second one. What sets me apart from nearly 1000 gamers in the San Antonio area is that I can wait until today to play it. Masses of sleepy parents and wired teenagers lined the streets and sidewalks at midnight last night in an effort to get to be one of the first to play the game that is already claimed the "best game of the year". I however was sound asleep while all of the hoopla of the opening of the doors and the first major geek who had been outside since 5 that afternoon held up his copy of halo 2 in triumph to say that he is the first one!!

Now, I hate to burst his bubble, no wait, I would love to burst his bubble, but he (I say he because if a girl was standing in line since 5 to get halo 2 first, then all is lost) is not the first to play halo 2. In relation to the rest of town, how do they know the store across town didn't open a few minutes earlier. Not to mention the store on the east coast who had an unprecedented hour ahead of him. Again, not to mention the many people that got the game before the actual midnight hour. And lastly not to mention the hundreds of hacking people out there that have a modded xbox and simply downloaded the game and have been playing it from weeks to months ahead of release.

No, I was not one of any of these masses of people. Instead, I went to bed to wake up the next morning feeling no less ashamed that I didn't have the game yet, or no less beaten in the fact that many people already did.

I know many of these people that I described above. I have friends that modded their box and got it about a month ahead of schedule. And, I know of one young Johann in my youth group that had it this morning because his name was shown as online at 6:15 this morning playing the famed game. I also know many people that are not at work or school today because of this same reason. I even know a guy that started his two week vacation today so he could get all the playing in he can take until he has to resume his life. Yet, I am still here, at work pining away about the many many people caught up in the whirlwind that is Halo 2.

Now, by writing this, I may seem resentful that I didn't join my fellow brethren in braving the hours and weather to get my hands on the "best game of the year", but I am not. I have rationalized every aspect of it and I am glad that I came to work to make money instead of lose it by skipping, and come to the realization that my game is still waiting for me to come pick it up tonight when I'm done with my RESPONSIBILITIES!

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Unsolved Mysteries about the Presidential Election

First off, is it just me or does John Kerry sound a lot like Robert Stack from Unsolved Mysteries?

So, it's the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November again, and we all know what that means.... That's right, it marks the start of another three and a half years of not listening to political ranting and commercials that have the worst of intentions. It's just about opposite the Superbowl in where we now try and avoid the commercials. I thought about putting some stirring political satire in this posting, but if you know me then you know I don't do politics. Instead....

I was watching a recording of Unsolved Mysteries last night (I know that it airs on Lifetime and I'm ok with that), and it was a back to back series of ghost stories. I don't know why but sitting alone in a near dark apartment watching ghost stories kinda gets unsettling. I've always been a skeptic of ghosts, aliens, bigfoot, John Edwards, Loch Ness, and many other things, but for some reason the show was kinda erie. It was probably the way they reenact the events and put those high tech 1993 special effects in there. It kinda gets annoying when they throw logical reasoning right out the window and completely immerse the watcher in a world of belief in such a way to make you think that anything is real.

I continue to watch the show in hope that some day I might see someone I know. Well, maybe not hope, but it sure will give me something to talk about at parties. "That's right, I met John Kerry on Unsolved Mysteries."

Monday, November 01, 2004

Soar mussels

I went to the UTSA rec center yesterday to work out for the first time in a while. There is nothing more that stirs a personal battle than going to the gym. The excuses fly in and out of my head of why I should just stay at home and eat more spaghettio's and watch 101 greatest something or other on E!. And when I finally get my lazy butt up to go work out I wonder why I ever questioned myself.

I always wondered about certain "recreational activities". Some of them are really moronic if you think about it. Take racquetball for instance. Talk about the lonely man's tennis. Although, there is something about banging a little blue rubber ball off a wall as hard as you can and have it hit you in the back of the head at the same time. Next, I went on the treadmill. I ran in place for 20 minutes (didn't want to strain myself) and the thing simulated various hills by rising and lowering, all while watching an array of T.V.'s set to various sporting events and Survivor outtakes or something. Then again, I do like the fact that I can stop whenever I want and I won't have to run the entire length backwards to get back to where I started.

Finally, I "played" some basketball. I use quotes because without a slew of opponents there really is no game, it's just me looking dumb chasing the ball after bouncing it off the rim at the wierdest angles. I finally realized that I had an oppnent, it was the rim. That rim, a lot like the wall in the racquetball room, was relentless. Point to ponder: In most sports, If you play against an inanimate object, expect to look like a fool, because it is impossible to win.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Late night shopping

I went to walmart tonight to get a can opener, measuring cup, underwear, you know, the usual stuff. I like buying things from walmart because that way I never have to break anything in, it all comes looking used. It has dings and scratches all over it, and frankly it looks like I've had it forever.

Ah, walmart, where you can buy a toaster for $7. That costs less than the package of pop tarts I plan to put in the thing!

What it's all about

Ok, by the first post I really came off...kinda...off. But now I am really going to tell you what my blog is all about. Then again if I told you what my blog was about, and you didn't like the premise behind it, you probably wouldn't read it then now would you?

So, my first real post, what's it gonna be....

I think about certain things too long, and that is why I am confused most of the time. Here are some. WARNING! Do not think too hard on these.

If life were a box of chocolates, would you still eat the coconut last?

If you go in to the bathroom to wash your hands, and then while in there get the urge to go, are you still required to wash them again? (this happens to me all the time!)

If you take a bite of food before saying grace do you have to spit it back out and start over, or are you ok as long as you don't swallow before saying it?

Do you ever notice how everyone going faster than you on the highway is a maniac and everyone going slower is an idiot.

If over half of the people in the world are abnormal, then wouldn't that make them the majority. It would then be normal to be abnormal.

more to come...

I Draw On Walls...

I draw on walls for people to see the real me, but they see the mindless dribble that comes forth my mouth and it confuses the masses. But, that was what I was going for in the first place now wasn't it...

hehe